My Symphony of Happiness

Know the secret !

✿ Hello there! I own this blog ✿

Well, hello there! I don't know whether you are mistaken in finding some blogs until you are able to come here or you actually want to visit mine! Hehehe... （*´▽｀*） Actually, I made this blog as a private journal, however I don't lock it (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ Let's see who the real stalker who can find my secret blog! (｡-_-｡ )人( ｡-_-｡) Hahaha, just kidding! ヽ(o´∀｀o)ノ Oh, well, here's my favorite thing: I love him （〃・・〃）♥ Well, 'cause you're already here, you get my permission to read my random things during my unstable life! Here's a cup of coffee for brightening your day! -> Hahaha... Bye. ♥～(‘▽^人)

August 2025! :D

Saturday, August 16, 2025 • 10:27 • 0 comments

hi!

today is 16th August 2025. On 13th August, Afif and I celebrated our anniversary at Nustro, Tebet. We ate steak and had our seat on the outdoor. That night felt nice and fun.

Its been a long time i dont update my life here. Thankfully, I am still alive and well. I dont know what phase I am. I still take sertraline 1-1 and 1/2 tabs depend on my mood. Also, I take aripiprazole 1 1/2 tabs every night, religiously.

I took two days off from my work. Since I really am tired and avoid getting burnt out. I will go to Bogor with Afif this afternoon and sleep there for one night. I still don't have any plans for Monday.

bye bye

a day off of mine

Tuesday, December 17, 2024 • 22:54 • 0 comments

I woke up, but late to fajr pray.

I slept again until 11 am.

I woke up and brought some groceries. I bought avocados, oranges, eggs, spinach, yoghurt, coffee, chocolate and creamer. Also a fragrance for rooms.

I felt a bit depressed, not in a mood out of sudden.

But, I managed to cook spinach soup with macaroni and meatballs for afif.

I fried salted chicken and meatballs.

I cooked liwet rice which smelled really good but cockroaches came inside so i threw it and made a new one.

I did psychology consultation with ka naiva, she enlightened me well.

I met up with yolan at grand indonesia.

I already took meds for morning and night.

I TOOK A BATH! afif bought me water bucket and the dipper.

I bought labore skincares which were kind expensive :( it cost like 600k for three items (moisturizer, sunscreen and serum)

I ate cookies and cream pastry with iced chocolate with yolan

Tomorrow I will do hair transplant, please wish me luck

I will try to keep updated in this blog :D

Labels: Blogging, Food, Friends, Happy, Life, Memories, Realities

hi its 2024

Tuesday, September 24, 2024 • 17:31 • 0 comments

yes its been a year since my last post. i think i will post just to have a 2024 post lol.

now i am working in hair transplant medicine, i got high payroll, but i am trying to balance my health, especially my mental issue

i am diagnosed with bipolar with mixed episodes. now i am taking aripiprazole, sertraline and also clobazam.

please wish me luck future mayya 2025!

children

Tuesday, January 10, 2023 • 15:57 • 0 comments

i still dont wanna have them. i am afraid of inheriting this fucked up mentality to them.

but idk if i ever change my mind later with someone i love lol.

i believe God will always led me to the best ways. so just enjoy the life i guess (?)

i often think i dont like kids, but, when i have nieces, it kinda change me, since i looooooove them

i miss them :( i can play with them all day long :( i may be a good aunty lol, although for being a good person, i still cant pass it

mentally-ill

• 15:49 • 0 comments

i dont know, suddenly many topics in mind that i wanna write

so, since i often like depressed sad, even motivation quote, theres a page that was in my fyp, its a girl with severe depression.

of course i checked her page, since she was kinda vocal about her symptom. no, she wasnt a motivator of mental illness or something, she was just a young girl who always told the audience about how she felt at the moment, especially whenever her symptoms appeared

i am wondering from other's pov about depression. since i am kinda afraid that i just "make" this idea, maybe i am not depressed at all, i am just a spoiled girl like he always told me.

so, back to the topic, she went studying at itb, smart, artsy as well. ah, she had bipolar. her room was a mess, like mine lol, years before i was a super tidy girl, i miss myself so much huhu. and we could call her like a wibu or something, no judging here, since i had wibu friends before, they were usually act pervy 😬, but they were also super kind as well. this tiktok gurl liked wearing lolita dresses to uni... like literally bright color dresses, high stocking, with that kind of shoes. tbh, i like that kind of dresses, but if i had ones, i still prefer to wear them at home. but for her, nope.

she had this two color of hair, such a characteristic of bipolar ones. not only bipolar, the mentally illness ones usually have unique hair.

in my pov, i craved for having a long hair for so long. but since depression hit in, i couldnt take care of it huhu, so i often cut it until this short. and coloring it gave such a unique joy.

annnd this tiktok gurl was hospitalized at rsj, which i think the one i did coass there lol. she told the audience she kept screaming and crying, and nurses, idk the docs too i guess, were giving up on her, and she... rejected... from the hospital.... 😬

and she put her twitter profile, and the tweets are kinda disturbing to read.

yup, thats it. thats her pov, some are related some are not, since i am not diagnosed to have bipolar i guess

but mental health really matters. please dont give up on me. me, i wanna be a normal person like i have felt at the first month of taking meds. i never feel it again until now 😭

love

• 15:34 • 0 comments

i always ask what love is, because i think i cant appreciate what love is, so i wanna know what love is.. so i may appreciate it well

people who bring love sometimes scare me, yet i always try to find love from people who dont bring it to me

when i read a-question-answer game in Twitter, someone asked, do you prefer loving or being loved?

the answer for me is to love someone. then, ill keep it well, nurture it, and appreciate it a lot. when i am loved, i never feel it, so i often waste it.

but i never love myself either, so i am always in doubt whenever someone loves me. but when i love someone, i know i love him, so its no doubt

when someone tells me he loves me, and i have no idea how i feel, i always tell him to stop, because i feel empty. when he tries to treat me right, i feel doubt again. instead i feel comfortable i feel annoyed. its my problem since i was young

only some people i can trust. i do know i have trust issues, thats why, if i trust you, you are special to me

psychological test (mmpi and mcmi)

• 14:59 • 0 comments

yes, i did those last week maybe, havent got the result, or i am just lazy to contact them again. tbh i am kinda anxious yet curious what the results are

what i believe that the result will show how fucked i am lol :')

i did the counseling things three times. and the second and third time--doing the test. aditi clinic was pretty cheap, but at the end it'd still take millions for someone like me

at the first time counseling, i told her eveeerything. i told her like e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. i told her the sad story, the fucked up ones, all of them! and i just told her happily with big smiles on my face

i told about kaka, about mira, about my family from a to z

at the end of session, she told me that i was "emotionless". stories i told never matched with my emotion when i told her. she said its something not right. BUT SHE SAID SHE COULD SEE HOW TIRED I WAS FROM MY EYES!

after that she suggested me to take those tests, which i did, and idk how the results are.

tbh, some things that keep coming into my mind whenever i am sad, one of them is jumping from the balcony again. especially after the meds stop, its more often to come. i mean, when doc irene switched it to sertraline, the thoughts started coming again, like what the heck, it doesnt work.

ah i just wanna be stronger like i used to. lets see thenn :D

the 7th day

• 14:47 • 0 comments

of not taking meds. i was fucking flying againnnnn... omg, its not "high", its more like dizzy, and feel super light. i hope i dont fall with my face first, since it wil be super embarrassing.

they ask me to take the meds, but i dont want to! it does nothing! and ive just found out that the pills make you gain a lot of weight, which IS TRUE AND ANSWERS ALL THE QUESTIONS I HAVE WHY I KEEP BEING CHUBBIER EACH DAY WHILE I TRY TO EAT LESS

it sucks! and i have to endure all the flying things now. ive felt this but it took 2 weeks for the symptoms to appear, now it took only 5 days. but i think i can pass this

idk, reading journals maybe the answer, but idk why i am still in denial

why the fuck should it happen to me :( ugh i feel pissed

guilt

• 14:43 • 0 comments

i dont know, did i do wrong? i wanna act like what my friend does, like she doesnt give a fuck, and rarely feels anxious, i was like, damn how cool she is

but i cant. its in my mind, like what things that bother you if may know... i dont wanna be treated like this

i just try to do what i think is right, if its not, please tell me. hmm..

old note

Monday, January 9, 2023 • 15:51 • 0 comments

it's hot today

• 15:39 • 0 comments

i am too lazy to fix anything in this space, because i dont wanna open my laptop 😔

this is the 6th day of not taking meds. people say its ok as along as you change your perspective. i am actually not sure, i do it because i am kinda fed up of the stagnant progression. like no difference taking or not taking

hopefully i wont be a mad person like twisted one lol, God i am tired

i am tired being myself :( please be strong mayyaaaa >_<

🎊 JANUARY 2023 🎊

Thursday, January 5, 2023 • 13:05 • 0 comments

Hi, I am still alive! Just saw my last post, here we go:

💕 Hana Bag the chocolate one✅

💕 Moisturizer Gel✅

💕 Renting a Kalibata City apartment✅

💕 Buy a new mascara✅

💕 Oil matte powder/compact powder✅

💕 Melissa shoes

💕 Brightening Package - Lavees

💕 Graduate from Biomedik soon, on time

its from July 2022, 5 of 8 has been checked. Alhamdulillah 😀 Allah is always good to me. I feel bad I am still sinful like this.

Actually I gain a lot of weight, I havent checked again since I am too scared of the scale... 😔

Here is my resolution for 2023:

🌼 Graduate biomedik with cumlaude score

🌼 Reach more mills for payroll every month

🌼 Lose weiiiiiiight

🌼 Intermitten fasting

🌼 Cycling everyday for 30 mins

🌼 Mentally stable without meds and counselings

🌼 Writing diary in this blog every night - its been said that its a good therapy for mental health

🌼 Recite Quran every night for 1 page

🌼 Duha and tahajud pray, at least 2x in a week

Hopefully I can check all of the wishes above, the more wishes the more I can check, isnt it? 🙌🏻

Happy New Year 🥳

My Wishlist for July 2022

Tuesday, July 5, 2022 • 12:24 • 0 comments

Sooooo.... Here are my wish lists:

💕 Hana Bag the chocolate one

💕 Moisturizer Gel

💕 Renting a Kalibata City apartment

💕 Buy a new mascara

💕 Oil matte powder/compact powder

💕 Melissa shoes

💕 Brightening Package - Lavees

💕 Graduate from Biomedik soon, on time

Emoticon is already gone after all this time!

Sunday, June 26, 2022 • 13:35 • 0 comments

I used to be able to find cute or kawaii emoticon from some blogspots or tumblrs, but after all these years, they apparently are gone! I got this cute emoji just by copy and paste it "🍥".

Well, it's better than to convert it again and again, but it just such a hidden gem, only a few of these emoticons are able to be copied this way 💀

I want to put cute emoticons into my post, because I will try to start writing again. Well, it's good for my mental health 🧸 Well, I haven't told you yet, that I actually am now a psychiatrist outpatient, with my psychiatrist, dr. Irene 💓

It's almost two years I am on meds, so I won't be depressed again. And it kinda works! I can be a normal human being after all this time! 🌷

Source for these cute emoticons: https://yv6mpire.tumblr.com/

It's 2022!

• 13:04 • 0 comments

✿ June 2022 ✿

Hi, dear lil Mayya, I wish you could read this :')

It's already 2022! and... anyway, you're still alive, you're 27 years old now. Can you imagine that you were 17 years old before, and tada... 10 years later, you're 27 years old. But nope, you're not that old (for the way you behave). You still have a young soul. Too young I guess lol, doesn't match with your age! |ω・`)ﾉ Hi..

Now I am sitting with him ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Just now, a girl who's sitting in front of us said "fomo", I just find out that it means "fear of missing out", cool~

Okay, for life, I am still struggling with university. BY THE WAY! Mayya! I am working as an aesthetic doctor in Depok! Our dream comes true! :D Unfortunately, I am still chub chub. Hasn't succeed in losing weights, so sorry.

Now, I don't really care that much about cum laude. I just want to graduate on time. Hope Allah will never leave us ya Mayya :D

Hello March 😀

Sunday, March 14, 2021 • 13:02 • 0 comments

Aku sekolah S2. Semoga bisa lulus... cum laude... Aamiinn :(

Hi January!

Sunday, January 17, 2021 • 09:43 • 0 comments

I got a job from my friend to do Antigen Swab, thank you Kajes! My mood has been stable, but my anxiety keeps kicking me. I feel like I act like I have a tic every time bad thoughts come, I will be like "ssst..." to myself, just to get rid of those bad thoughts. Feel like a weirdo :")

Now I am doing my Alo shift. At 10.00, it should be finished. I'll continue working tomorrow, still got no news to do swab.

Yesterday was my brother's birthday. I bought him food --- beef steak and hot chicken wings! food to celebrate! Because last year, he bought me a watch as a gift. So I wanna repay him, to show how I love and care for him!

Yesterday I also did my visit to my psychiatrist to check and evaluate the treatment. It's been so good. Hopefully I will be healed as the time goes by. :")

I'll continue later when I am in a mood. I just wanna have a post per month lol. See you dear Mayya!

DECEMBER 2020 🍒

Thursday, December 31, 2020 • 22:46 • 0 comments

Can you imagine.. tonight is the end of the year of 2020. I still remember the night of December 2019 that the day after the new year eve, God gave a heavy rain for days. ✨

🌸 By the way for the update:

- I still work at the telemedicine Insurance

- I work at my friend's clinic to do the antigen swab

- I pass SIMAK

Unfortunately 2020 has a covid-19 pandemic. It changes everything. I wonder how 2021 will go. Hopefully everything is getting better ❤

Hope for the next two years, I can pass my school cum laude. Got more

mills payroll and have cats. Aamiinn... 🤗

Do SIMAK Online

Friday, November 13, 2020 • 13:23 • 0 comments

I paid 1 mill for the registration. Spent my days to learn SIMAK stuff. But at least I feel like I have something to do during those days.

Because I actually have lost interest of reading mangas, reading novels, drawing and stuff. I like studying, but recently I am still difficult to build the mood in this heat environment.

I did SIMAK finally on 8th Nov 20, one day before my birthday. The math one was totally difficult. I thought I just did 6-7 out of 30 questions. The rest of them was just chosen randomly, hopefully there's no minus system lol. But it's okay, did the SIMAK made my list crossed. Hopefully I can cross my list: pass the test, after the announcement on 7th Dec 20.

That's all I have, I am just not knowing what to do. So hot here...

Love,

Hi, Hello, How Are You?

• 13:18 • 0 comments

Dear Lovely M,

just remember that you aren't alone in this cruel world. You have your caring friends, and loving family around you.

I get it when those bad thoughts come, but remember you are the one who takes control of yourself. You are the captain of your mind and soul. Don't let your mind and soul take control of you, you are the one who have the wheel instead, alright?

I believe this year, before 2021, you already get a new job, a new task, go to school and reach your dreams. Don't stop dreaming, dreaming means hoping, hoping means effort, so never give up.

I try to represent yourself in the future. I love you for who you are, so never give up. See you in 5 years dear.

Sincerely,

Future M <3