 I just wanna fly Friday, November 2, 2012 • 21:28 • 0 comments  and i may be in a depression state. i don't wanna go to the university. i don't wanna undergo everything there. you may ask why did i sign to that university which i don't like? yeah... i wonder about that too. i keep regretting about not having any principles for undergoing this life before. i just say 'yes, yes, and yes' for things i don't want to. same as the problem here, i regret for answering 'yes' for that university. it doesn't mean i don't like 'the university', i just don't like the major i have signed up for. now, i keep searching methods to make myself sick. i am prefer sick than undergo this. i cut my left wrist yesterday -> no use. i got nothing that sharp enough to cut it. but, the most important is.. i still don't have any courage to cut my wrist deeper. yeah, i am a coward. and i hate it. i feel like shit. i should be studying now. but everything is bothering my mind. so i decided to write. and i am writing now... i feel like a shit. and people who hurt me are shit as well. people in that university keep making fun of my name. i do feel sad. do i feel sad because of being mocked? no. then why? i feel sad because my father took my name from a female hero that struggle to defend enemies who keep abusing our religion. so, my name is same as her. and they keep making fun of my name into inappropriate words which also has made me as a victim of sexually abused by words. for those people who do that, thank you so much. and friends. i want to have many friends. and i may have many friends. and i feel that i have been close enough with T. somehow, i start feeling confused of her. she said that she wanted to be alone. hmm... actually, i never have points to disturb her. i just tried to act friendlier to her. and i may still have socializing problems. yes, i may have hurt her without realizing about it. and one night she made a status that she needed a friend to make her more spirited, not to make her feel more down. maybe i am no longer her friend she can trust. maybe, because i hate being there, i automatically hate everything that involves it. my thoughts now are giving me motivation to do stupid things and sometimes i can't control my anger. i keep praying to God for making me sick. yes, i know. i am selfish for not appreciating health that God gives. but i am hopeless. maybe, being sick is the only way that can make me go out from that university. I just wanna be sick... but i may have been succeed in having sick minds. the day before tutorial, i held my breath for a long time so that i could be sick because of the deficiency of oxygen. But, i finally breathed because i was too scared to damage my brain. once your brain cells are damaged, it cannot be fixed anymore. then, I wasn't succeed in cutting my wrist. I have done it before. the first time i did that was the worst. but, now I might just scratch it. after scratching it with a small scissor, the scratch lines i have made became reddish and there lines were a little bit larger. BUT IT'S FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME!  in the next morning, the scratches HAVE FUCKING GONE! I wonder why the healing of my wounds is that fucking fast. I searched in the internet about methods to hurt myself. nothing seems work. but there may be any suicidal methods. i don't wanna kill myself. i just wanna hurt myself. i read in a web that if you want to kill yourself, just cut your wrist deeper, and enjoy seeing how the blood will flow... But, again, i am such a shit. i am scared of feeling that pain. and i just don't want to do that. do i have a mental disorder? i don't think so. i am still able of thinking clear. i know that hurting myself is wrong. but i have no choice. I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE. somehow, i do still cry every night. even, when i was on the way home after finishing all the lectures, in the public transportation, i kept holding my tears while i saw the road through the car window. my father said that if i couldn't stand doing this and giving up now, i can't be guaranteed to have a better future in the other university. but now... many thoughts appear in my mind, one of them is that i don't wanna be in the any universities anymore. i am done. i wanna close my eyes, sleep for a really long time after telling myself that 'i give up'. i don't wanna undergo this. i don't want to. Please please please take me... Take me from that place. I prefer die then. I don't wanna be there. I don't wanna be there :'( KILL ME. KILL ME. KILL ME.  
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