My Symphony of Happiness

Difficult

Monday, July 27, 2015 • 20:39 • 0 comments

I am a medical student. So, don't you think I am totally clueless about myself. I searched all the disadvantages of it. I am aware of that. Do I wait to get those bad things? I don't know, you tell me.

At first I did that once in a week.
I did that twice or three times a week.
I did that when I overate sometimes.
I did that three or four times a week often.
But I only did day once in a day.

I started being hypotension and having a constipation often.
When I sat or laid for a long time and suddenly stood up, I felt like losing my conciousness for a while, or even blackout, but only for a few seconds, and I gained my conciousness fully.

And I almost do that for a year. It may become my habit.

One day, I did that and I looked at my vom, there's something red on it. Instead of remembering what I had eaten, I touched it to make sure, coz I believed I ate nothing with chili. It appeared to be liquid. It's blood. At first, I thought it was from my throat. But no, it came from my nose.

I kinda scared, then I searched it on the internet, like I always searched for my homework at school. The mechanims, facts etc.
Many bulls get nosebleed cause once your blood vessels ruptute it takes some time to heal or recover. If you give high pressure on it without being fully recovered, it will bleed again.

I remember I sneezed and suddenly there's blood. Well...

I think I have bled three or four times in the different times.
Lately, I lost my hair a lot. I mean, not in a normal number, it's a lot. That might have something to do with myself for now.

When I am not home, I rarely eat, and I rarely do that since what I have eaten has less calories than I should have fulfiled.
So, I kinda let myself eat fatty stuff as long as the food is less than 1200 cals.

It became two or three times a week.

Now I am in my holiday time. I can't stop eating. It's hard to set yourself that YOU ARE ON A FUCKING DIET GIRL.

I do hat almost everyday. 6 of 7 days. And it's not once a day, almost three or more a day.

I fight with my sister just now. After fighting, and my blood is still boiling, and the devils still running through in my blood, at first I walked to my bedroom, and I fucking realized that I fucking eat a lot, so I FUCKING RAN THROUGH THE BATHROOM and did that.
It's harder than in a normal state of mind. But it's more motivating than before. I find the satisfying of doing that by blaming myself over and over again. Self hatred at its finest.

I am fucking sick. I am sometimes concerned of myself. I don't know I will make it this far.

One day, I did that. After that I took a vit.E pill and two green tea capsules.
Than I laid on my bed and watched youtube. I started to realize I was different. My heart thumped faster or palpitation. I felt really weak on my exterimities and my hands were tremor. I felt that I wasn't okay. I stupidly wondered if I got fibrillation since I might lose electrolits. Would I lose my consciousness? Would I die? But I didn't.

After a while, I felt really not good. I started searching for chocolates or any food. I didn't know what the heck was I doing. It's just my instinct.
Then I ate some food and chocolates. I searched again on internet, from what I found I appeared to get some blood sugar fluctuations --- palpitations, weakness and tremor.

I lost some weight. Because not only I did that, I also exercise. Do you think I am proud for what I have done? Duh of course no. Not at all. So I choose not to give some tips to lose weigh since it's fucking wrong.

Do you wanna know my reason?

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

I don't know whether abuse can make me right on track or not. Having so many difficulties in my teenagerhood, I find hurting yourself may make you as an attention seeker or just plainly stupid. But I still do that. Not cuttinf my vessels, but slap myself really hard just to make me sober. Often about school, not this thing. Do I wanna stop? Yes. When will I stop? I don't know. Can I make my body to stop? I don't think so.

Aren't you afraid? Yes. Especially to God. Do you know you are in a wrong way? Yes. Are you putting yourself in danger? Yes. Then, will you stop? No.