I have just watched Chella Man with his girlfriend Mary V Benoit. What I have learnt from them.. is such a true love. In my religion I am not supposed to support for that kind of relationship. I know. But at least I learnt from them what love is.

When they were interviewing each other, they answered it sincerely without even hurting the partner, they answered with sincere answers and it was good, like, they understood each other, kept their partner not to get hurt with their honest answers. When Chella was asked what he loved about Mary V, he said like "everything", sincerely, we even could see from his eyes. Mary V looked blushed and happy. I was like, yes that's it. That's how love is.

If you have read this blog since it was made for the first time, you could see how lonely I was, how depressed I was, how I tried myself to cheer up. I was angry here, I was happy here, I was motivated here. I remember how I tried to lose my weigh, well yea I did it, I lose almost 27-28 kilos, but I am getting fat again lol...

After losing my weighs, I honestly admit that I look pretty, like its not me, like at all. Me attracted many people to look at me and like me. Even some boys at college tried to be close to me, but no thanks.
Everything leaded me to this one person, who is now my husband. Every girl now dreams to be married. Me, now, almost 2 years, being married, crave for my freedom.

I decide to write this to express what I have held for so long, during my relationship with him. I know it sounds impossible, but one day, when the time comes, you may find this and reflect. These are my feelings, my thoughts, that you never use your chances to appreciate.

"If I know it will be like this, I rather not to be married sooner... You just never pay attention to me. Every time I tell you stories about my day, you just stare at nothing, being deaf and blind---every time I talk, open my mouth or even create sounds. When I finish telling you those things you may consider as shits, you will like suddenly wake up from your day dreaming and I pretend you have listened to those shits and like "yes yes, then?"... I am like.. I am not an idiot, do you think I don't know the way you act?
Chella says that he likes to listen Mary V talk, so does Mary V. Even Mary V says she can listen to him for hours. Me like? Heck no. On the other hand, you demand me to listen to you, with your complicated stories. At first I am like so excited to listen, but now, because what you always do to me, I am no longer excited. Sometimes I don't get it at all, and like, "Ok. Cool." Like what you always do to me.
During my very final exams, you don't get it at all, how I must work harder, even hardest compare to last exams. Unfortunately you didn't. Even until now I feel so depressed because I am not confident at all with the exams, because of lack studying, because you were with me during my study. I was so very easy to be triggered. I could be like blowing off, I was very angry, panic, confused, sad, "MIXED". Because you didn't understand me at all with my situations at that time. I even thought of getting divorced. Little did he know, I kept thinking of divorces in this-almost-2-years-of-relationship.
We just meet each other every weekend, not every day. Every time we meet we will fight. I am tired of getting angry because of his ignorance, while he is tired of me getting crazy and unstable out of sudden. In his perspective it is "out of sudden", but mine, if he wants to look around, wants to pay attention to me more, he will know it is progressive. I am tired of fighting. I don't know whether this is "the phase" while you and your partner will fight, and the if you succeed in passing it, you may step to "the calm phase", or I don't know, we may not fit each other. I even crave for him to leave, so I can have my own time alone. I am like, if this is a good relationship, I shouldn't feel that way. I am happy with him, but most of the feelings are filled by sadness and angry.
He doesn't even give me money for me to live, while has all the money. He just wants to fuck me only once or twice, even though we have separated for so long. He just wants only the first day or second day. The next days? Please, I am just getting dried there. LOL.
Do I lack of reasons of thinking about divorce?
I still get the money to eat from my Dad which is so inappropriate. If he is a good husband, he will be embarrassed. While he is not. I knew it from his sister, that he said he was okay not giving me money, because I could ask it to my Dad, I was like, WTF? I ask my Dad because I am hopeless, how to survive, how not to starve, while there's someone calling him as a husband, demand me to respect him, to be scared at him, while he doesn't even do what he must do.
Hunny, if you ever read this, I am writing this, crying inside, being confused about my choice to live with you. You may be disappointed and sad, but you may never change. I have seen it many times. You will blame yourself, beat your own chests, and cry like a baby. But next? You don't do shit. Now when you do the same things, I just wanna laugh, look funny. Because for what? To get my sympathy? It wont affect me anymore Hun.
Until today, I still feel confused about my choice. I crave my freedom. I used to wanna get married and feel love. Now I have married, and I don't even find the love I have ever dreamed. My burdens instead become bigger and bigger each day because of his actions toward his own family, and my family.

I miss living in a secure place with Mm, Dad, and brothers also sisters. I am feeling trapped in this relationship. Even I still cannot maintain and manage my relationship with his mother. The mother who still keeps her chains to his son. Treating him like a baby, while me seeing him that way, is not something I hope to ever see. I dream a kind, wise, and patient man. Maybe it is still a dream. And forever will be a dream in my life."

I hope you read this while we are still in a relationship. A marriage relationship.

I wish I never ever go to the court and ask for the divorce paper.

You are welcome to exchange link with me. Just ask me at my cbox

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FRIENDS FRIENDS Anggraenni Yulia The World Of S3 Ziegey Cha Aoi ♥ Jhanna ♥ Vivid Black ♥ Maharani Gublernation ♥ A Wild Skinny Boy FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS You're next :)

#Fun fact: I ♥ Nightwish, and other symphonic metal bands. Well, I really am open-minded for music genres. I also ♥ Eminem, Demi Lovato, etc. [See?] :)

Been in ♥ with my husband :

#FF: I ♥ my man, hunny

#FF: I am now surviving in a tough life of a faculty of medicine student. (Well, I am now a doctor already :) )

#FF: I am a hopeless romantic person.

#FF: I am a one-man woman (or girl? oh, well).

#FF: I ♥ Dragon Ball, Vegeta