I have read an article that said, "writing is a best solution to reduce the depression feeling..." 

Honestly, I am being such a manic now. Just now, I even think of committing suicide again. I've just lost my sister. I meant, she's no longer my friend anymore. So, officially, I now get no one to talk to. I feel like I am wanting to die right now.

I may be filled by evils, I've read it that they can come through our blood circulation and enter our heart. I think they've successfully entered it.

I actually have been trying to be a good person, lately. But, it's quite hard. Evils are easily coming and influencing us for doing bad things.  I even have left the time of praying many times and regretting after it. Why is it so hard...

Hard to know that my little sister is really successful in her life than me when I was in her age. She got everything. Now, my older sister refuses to listen to me again because of my freaking jealousy. Fine. Just leave me alone. I shouldn't have met her. So, I will get used to being alone and keeping everything inside my mind like I have started to do since I feel lonely.

Now, I happen to be the old manic me. I want to blow up or explode or anything. But, I remember of writing. Now I am making writing as a therapy for me for reducing my unstable feeling.

I was actually easily sad really bad. I will throw things everywhere and explode into crying and regretting my life. As I grew older, I saw that those activities wouldn't change everything. So, I put myself into an extreme choice. I started to try to harm myself. Stupid things to do, but movies plus internet had taught me a lot.

I remember when I really broke down, I decided to harm myself. I felt pain in my wrists. But, I was too scared to tell my Mom, so I text-ed my Father, and my Father seemed to be shocked I guess. I thought my Mom would kill me if she knew what I did. I was scared to her.

But, the wounds healed as the time went by. There were no scars left.

I've seen my life as a dark life as a little kid. When I was a kid, I even believed that my heart (not anatomically) was filled by dark things, there's no bright side left. Can you imagine that I was really little at that time and already felt depressed of my own life? I got no answers how to remove the darkness in my life. When I got it, I still feel that my heart is too dark to clean. Until now, I see my dark heart sometimes. I still want to try to clean it up until now.

I feel so broke. I meant, I have been broken since I was a kid.

I don't know. I just feel different from the other family members. I was way too different that I got compared a lot. I was a girl in the middle. I didn't achieve anything. I didn't go to the stage to get certificates as the 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd winner like the others do. I even had a hard struggle in studying. I am the fattest one.

The comparisons still happen until now. Do you know that my heart may have so many scars like the Samurais did in their body?

When my Father had a graduation party, he needed two of his daughters to accompany him to the speech place. Of course, I refused to be one of the daughters. Why? Why not? Because, there wouldn't be Kebaya clothes that will fit on me. I also didn't want to embarrass my Father who had a daughter as ugly as I am. So, I thought that my sisters were the ones who deserved it. Didn't I want to? I did want to be there. I did want to wear that pink Kebaya.

Before the Kebaya clothes event, my Mom already bought three same clothes but have different colors for us---the daughters. Because they were gonna be the girls in the pink Kebaya clothes, it was me, the only person left to wear it. So, I wore it. It's really hard to wear it and see them wear same Kebaya. I was told by my sister that I was really good in that cloth. I didn't know if she just wanted to cheer me up or say it sincerely. But, to be honest, my confidence gained a little bit. So, I walked out proudly wear it.

My Mom actually invited some of her relatives who were old enough to come with. You know... They saw the three of us, and praised the two of my sisters how beautiful they were in that dress. I am a person who is not crazy of compliment, but, we have lived as a group of three since we were born, and only them who were praised. My name was never mentioned. I was stupidly walk near them, thought I would be given a compliment a little, but no. Never. I remember it until now. The memories are never able to be removed from my head. I don't know why. Maybe I should shoot my head first so the bad memories will be gone. Lol, jk.

I was kinda left out, really left out, but, I convinced myself (usually) to keep moving.

I sat in one of the chairs as a regular guest, and my sisters sat in front of the chair rows with our Father---waiting to be called. My Father was called, walked along with my sisters. I was just like a no-one sat there. Pathetic as usual. I am pathetically different, and different may have been the middle name of mine since I was born.

I realize that I am such a regular person. Never create achievements, never get certificates, never have bravery to face the world. Am I happy with myself? Definitely no. It's such a pain in the ass to change, to be brave. I've tried to, but, everything seems difficult to live with.
I shouldn't live with this phase anymore. This phase of life should be have gone since I was graduated from HS. I am no longer a teenager. Next year, I am gonna be twenty (if only I still have time to feel it, thou).


For now, to be yourself is better than having a fake life. Having a fake life will just give more burdens to yourself. There's no good thing in harming yourself too. Just adding more sins to your life.

Labels: Family, Life, Lonely, Memories, Realities, sad, Sucks

You are welcome to exchange link with me. Just ask me at my cbox

Put my name as :

Name:
URL:


FRIENDS FRIENDS Anggraenni Yulia The World Of S3 Ziegey Cha Aoi ♥ Jhanna ♥ Vivid Black ♥ Maharani Gublernation ♥ A Wild Skinny Boy FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS You're next :)

#Fun fact: I ♥ Nightwish, and other symphonic metal bands. Well, I really am open-minded for music genres. I also ♥ Eminem, Demi Lovato, etc. [See?] :)

Been in ♥ with my husband :

#FF: I ♥ my man, hunny

#FF: I am now surviving in a tough life of a faculty of medicine student. (Well, I am now a doctor already :) )

#FF: I am a hopeless romantic person.

#FF: I am a one-man woman (or girl? oh, well).

#FF: I ♥ Dragon Ball, Vegeta