 Devil's Cycle Saturday, January 25, 2014 • 21:02 • 0 comments     I am still trapped of laziness and hardly to move. Deep inside my heart, I want to make a change but my mind seems to be filled by dirty water and makes the picture becomes blurred. 
I want to do fast walk on the treadmill, but the treadmill is located next to my brother's room, and his friend comes to sleepover, I feel insecure to use the treadmill.
I feel dirty and fed up of the fat that has been there, wrap my body. I feel sick to myself. Time keeps ticking and going by, and I am still here doing nothing.
I have realized that, among my parents' children, I am the worst and the most fake child ever.
They think I have been doing good, the reality I have been lying and letting myself rot day by day and keeping getting myself worse.  
I have filled my life with unnecessary things. I am scared to rot in hell, I want to gather with my family in heaven in after life.
Sad Sad Sad World Friday, January 24, 2014 • 22:31 • 0 comments  
When I want to text with someone, no one texts me. Neither my family nor my friends.
I texted with my father but he doesn't reply until now. I texted with my mother but not the way I wanted.
Lots of people but still alone.
 Labels: sad Alone or Lonely? • 19:50 • 0 comments  
Like, no one. No one. I feel like being killed inside just because there's no one for me now. At least, if there's somebody sits next to me now, it will be enough for me.
I don't know, I feel like in a depressed state since I gain A LOT. I keep being trapped in obesity. Sometimes, I just wanna go out, float, and combine into air, leaving my body. I leave my burdens mentally and physically from my shoulders, and feel fresh and clear.
 I do sins a lot. I feel like my heart is filled by darkness and have a black color. I keep thinking of myself wash my heart, but the color doesn't turn into the pure one. It is still black. I think it sums up of my desperation. I don't know if I am able to free myself from this obesity that has been torturing me in my whole life. I have been teased by people since I was in a very young age. I don't know, I think it has broken my heart and my mind ever since.
I can feel my condition is worsening from time to time. I now feel like hard to breathe. Not severe, but I can feel that.
Labels: sad Today's Feeling Monday, January 20, 2014 • 08:27 • 0 comments I got this from Lorde's boyfriend, James.  Labels: sad Sharing is not Boring, Sometimes! Thursday, September 12, 2013 • 22:30 • 0 comments Oh, this morning I woke up around 1.15 am after trying really hard to sleep around 10.00 pm. I freaking hated myself for not being able to sleep, so that I got headache. Instead of closing my eyes and getting no result, I started watching Get Him to Greek, and I just realized that it's a sequel of Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was really fun to watch. Unfortunately, I haven't finished watching the movie until 6 am. So I took a bath, prepared everything for meeting my teacher, and done! I have a thought of driving a car myself, but, later I found out that my brother was planning to go too, and brought the car. He wanted to go at 9 am. I wanted to go with him, so I texted my teacher, apologizing for being late. At first, I was actually scared of being late, but my teacher who was already there with my two seniors, were okay with that. I found out that my teacher was in a rush to go to a hospital, and she told me to have a talk with my seniors. So, when I arrived, she left hehehe :-D My seniors are absolutely kind and beautiful, they were really patient in telling me what the task that my teacher gave. I called my brother that I was already finished, [what a quick meeting! :-)] and asked how if we exchanged an error harddisk to its factory through someone who worked doing that and lived near my university [which my brother and I already planned to meet him for a long time]. While I was waiting for my brother to pick me up, I met some friends who were doing the remedial in the building. I don't know how, but one of my friends and I ended up having a talk about wrong friends we get from the first class we had. She shared her depression stories. From the story, I can conclude that she got severe depression. I was already through that time, and I can say that I was quite depressed as her, but more her. So, I could understand what she felt. In my posts, I have mentioned directly or indirectly about wanting to commit suicide in my depression time. I am a person who is really hard to give any advice to my new friends. I mean, if I have been really close enough to them for a long time, I can be brave enough to tell them that what she has done might be wrong so most of people will judge her that way, etc. I still feel like an outsider for her, so I just listened to her, share mine (though I didn't give her any detail of my problems). Sadly, our conversation was cut because my brother already arrived to pick me. Be strong my friend! ;-) You know, if we don't have a strong faith, we can be toyed by life when it brings us up and down. What we actually have to do is BEING THE CONTROLLER OF OURSELVES so that we won't be toyed by life that easy. Hope Allah will give us the best. Aamiin... Labels: College, Friends, Motivation, Movie, sad Sister Friday, September 6, 2013 • 18:41 • 0 comments In the past, she won't go anywhere. She's always at home. She will lay down on the couch and watch TV with me and talk or gossip about anything. Before visiting her old house, my house, I already get used to being by myself. Now, I need to handle this lost feeling again. Hmm... She just left, maybe 25 minutes ago, but I already miss her so much. Yeah, sisterhood bound will never ever disappear, though we fight a lot. I love her. Labels: Family, Holidays, Memories, sad My Room Sunday, September 1, 2013 • 00:45 • 0 comments Labels: College, Life, Motivation, sad, School, Spirit Memories... Can't be removed, just fade temporarily... Sunday, August 25, 2013 • 01:36 • 0 comments Honestly, I am being such a manic now. Just now, I even think of committing suicide again. I've just lost my sister. I meant, she's no longer my friend anymore. So, officially, I now get no one to talk to. I feel like I am wanting to die right now. I may be filled by evils, I've read it that they can come through our blood circulation and enter our heart. I think they've successfully entered it. I actually have been trying to be a good person, lately. But, it's quite hard. Evils are easily coming and influencing us for doing bad things. I even have left the time of praying many times and regretting after it. Why is it so hard... Hard to know that my little sister is really successful in her life than me when I was in her age. She got everything. Now, my older sister refuses to listen to me again because of my freaking jealousy. Fine. Just leave me alone. I shouldn't have met her. So, I will get used to being alone and keeping everything inside my mind like I have started to do since I feel lonely. Now, I happen to be the old manic me. I want to blow up or explode or anything. But, I remember of writing. Now I am making writing as a therapy for me for reducing my unstable feeling. I was actually easily sad really bad. I will throw things everywhere and explode into crying and regretting my life. As I grew older, I saw that those activities wouldn't change everything. So, I put myself into an extreme choice. I started to try to harm myself. Stupid things to do, but movies plus internet had taught me a lot. I remember when I really broke down, I decided to harm myself. I felt pain in my wrists. But, I was too scared to tell my Mom, so I text-ed my Father, and my Father seemed to be shocked I guess. I thought my Mom would kill me if she knew what I did. I was scared to her. But, the wounds healed as the time went by. There were no scars left. I've seen my life as a dark life as a little kid. When I was a kid, I even believed that my heart (not anatomically) was filled by dark things, there's no bright side left. Can you imagine that I was really little at that time and already felt depressed of my own life? I got no answers how to remove the darkness in my life. When I got it, I still feel that my heart is too dark to clean. Until now, I see my dark heart sometimes. I still want to try to clean it up until now. I feel so broke. I meant, I have been broken since I was a kid. I don't know. I just feel different from the other family members. I was way too different that I got compared a lot. I was a girl in the middle. I didn't achieve anything. I didn't go to the stage to get certificates as the 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd winner like the others do. I even had a hard struggle in studying. I am the fattest one. The comparisons still happen until now. Do you know that my heart may have so many scars like the Samurais did in their body? When my Father had a graduation party, he needed two of his daughters to accompany him to the speech place. Of course, I refused to be one of the daughters. Why? Why not? Because, there wouldn't be Kebaya clothes that will fit on me. I also didn't want to embarrass my Father who had a daughter as ugly as I am. So, I thought that my sisters were the ones who deserved it. Didn't I want to? I did want to be there. I did want to wear that pink Kebaya. Before the Kebaya clothes event, my Mom already bought three same clothes but have different colors for us---the daughters. Because they were gonna be the girls in the pink Kebaya clothes, it was me, the only person left to wear it. So, I wore it. It's really hard to wear it and see them wear same Kebaya. I was told by my sister that I was really good in that cloth. I didn't know if she just wanted to cheer me up or say it sincerely. But, to be honest, my confidence gained a little bit. So, I walked out proudly wear it. My Mom actually invited some of her relatives who were old enough to come with. You know... They saw the three of us, and praised the two of my sisters how beautiful they were in that dress. I am a person who is not crazy of compliment, but, we have lived as a group of three since we were born, and only them who were praised. My name was never mentioned. I was stupidly walk near them, thought I would be given a compliment a little, but no. Never. I remember it until now. The memories are never able to be removed from my head. I don't know why. Maybe I should shoot my head first so the bad memories will be gone. Lol, jk. I was kinda left out, really left out, but, I convinced myself (usually) to keep moving. I sat in one of the chairs as a regular guest, and my sisters sat in front of the chair rows with our Father---waiting to be called. My Father was called, walked along with my sisters. I was just like a no-one sat there. Pathetic as usual. I am pathetically different, and different may have been the middle name of mine since I was born. I realize that I am such a regular person. Never create achievements, never get certificates, never have bravery to face the world. Am I happy with myself? Definitely no. It's such a pain in the ass to change, to be brave. I've tried to, but, everything seems difficult to live with. I shouldn't live with this phase anymore. This phase of life should be have gone since I was graduated from HS. I am no longer a teenager. Next year, I am gonna be twenty (if only I still have time to feel it, thou). For now, to be yourself is better than having a fake life. Having a fake life will just give more burdens to yourself. There's no good thing in harming yourself too. Just adding more sins to your life. Labels: Family, Life, Lonely, Memories, Realities, sad, Sucks Bipolar? Brain Disorder? Depression? ... Or What? Thursday, August 22, 2013 • 22:23 • 0 comments I took two tests: bipolar and depression. My result was... Bipolar: I got in the middle of the rank, which was ... bipolar likely Depression: I got the freaking second rank! (Actually, I wasn't that shocked, I thought I knew the result wouldn't be good.) They suggest me to see the professional ones. But, no freaking waaay! I think I am now being a high temper person. I am just having to deal with the emotions that are formulated inside my brain. I don't know why... Maybe, the whole situations that have happened around me lately have pretty much changed me. I don't know... It's just really difficult to control myself, especially my mind that will create a trigger to make me angry again, again and again. That's what I've been dealing until now. I've been hating my brother, I hate the way he eats, the way he breathes, everything he does in my Mom's home is never ever making me happy for him to be there. He's one of the factor for creating a person like me. He's pretty much ruined my life and personality. Thanks, Bro! He might not know the reason why, because, only me and my Lord who know. Yeah, absolutely, I can guarantee that no one knows except me and my Allah. The only help I have to myself is me. Praying well is the best solution actually. When I read some articles about the alter egos, I may have some alter egos. But, what I've been regretting, I may have chosen the wrong one since I go to the college. I got migraine a lot. Moreover, in my period time. I was dying for more than 7 days during my period. But, I was kinda sad with my one of best friends in the college. I had a plan of buying something from her and she might want me to get the thing and pay immediately. Yeah, she might need the money, but, when I said that I might not come to an event... Instead of wishing me to get well, she just texted "Ih...." TO BE HONEST, I was sad and lost a little bit of respect to her. I love her as my best friend, but why... Only why. I didn't crave of the attention, but that time was a tough time for me. I got a heavy migraine, (the second day of period) it was totally killing me. Moreover, my Mom wasn't around. She was far away---accompanying my sister, a-mother-wanna-be. My body temperature was really high, I seemed to get a fever. Even the medication pills couldn't get the rid of the pain completely. Usually, the pain will go completely after I take them and take a nap. But, at my period time, the pain will appeared only in one side of my head, as the time went on, the pain would be in my entire head. I even couldn't stand up without the pain would be like pushing my brain to a one spot. Even when I take the pills and take a nap, the result wouldn't be satisfying. I would wake up with having a migraine in a little spot in my head. Maybe the pills can't handle all the pains. Yeah... You know, the point was, the pain was bad. Totally bad. I want to curse how bad it is, actually. But, I think, it's not a wise thing to do. By the way, I still love my friend though I won't be forgetting the text that she sent to me as a reply. Labels: Angry, College, Friends, Life, sad Love life laugh. Friday, June 14, 2013 • 22:19 • 0 comments 
I want to get married. I want to be protected, I am tired of protecting people. I feel lonely since my sister left the house. I want to have someone to love me, protect me, accept me for who I am. I need someone to listen the stories I have got. I want to feel secure every time I am with him. I want to walk around Paris with him, feeling proud of walking beside him. I want to hold his hands, kiss him, hug him, respect him, love him for who he is.
I will sacrifice for someone that I love. I also want someone to sacrifice in getting and convincing me to be his lovelife. I am tired of sacrificing. I am sorry for being selfish.
I need someone who can be patient in facing me. Moreover if I am in bad conditions. I need someone to stop me in doing bad things, (no longer my parents). Someone who won't stop fixing me, teaching me, protecting me, guiding me, and making me laugh.
The most important thing is, someone who can make me remember the presence of Our Almighty God.
I have once mentioned that I don't want to get married because of my look and my appearance. But, I am so wrong in giving such statement. I realize that I need one.
I want love.
Labels: Dreams, Life, Lonely, Love, sad Beauty and Da Beast Tuesday, June 11, 2013 • 03:00 • 0 comments .jpg) When I watched Beauty and The Beast, I am kinda disappointed when The Beast turned into a really handsome Prince. Why? Why should he change? Belle has loved him when he was in the monster shape. So, she already accepts him for who he is. And if she falls in love with a monster, she may love its shape too. I really wished he didn't turn into 'a regular human'. Well, at least they still can kiss each other. -..- Labels: cartoons, Flashback, sad Headache... Literally Sunday, January 6, 2013 • 07:05 • 0 comments And now, 7.03 am, I have taken a bath, I washed my hair, I washed my body, thought my body would be fresher and the headache would be gone. And.. I still get the headache. It's kinda killing me... Sorrow Thursday, January 3, 2013 • 21:54 • 0 comments Am believing that you're the one who everyone loves... Lilac can represent my situation... Making me amazed is your speciality... As the one who's beyond those girls' imaginations... Now, I realize that you're this close to reach.. But, you'd be the same as them... Aren't capable of realizing my feelings for you... Reality sometimes sucks... Love is one thing you may have kept ever since you're born... Intuition keeps pushing me to do stupid things A calm ocean might be you... Not letting me to put my anchor in it... SHOCKED Friday, July 20, 2012 • 20:35 • 0 comments I've just visited someone in the hospital, and I was really shocked. Here's the story, I actually went to Bandung to find car course--I must be able to drive a car by myself before I go to the college on September later. Thank God, I will take that course at 1 o'clock this afternoon. Other car courses that I have visited before said that I could take a course on 1st/9th August, too long to wait -..- And there's a spare time until 1 pm. So, my Mom decided to visit my father's wife's friend. Then, we went there. But, my Mom's friend said the wrong number of the room that my father's wife's friend stays. When the security asked the name of her, my Mom didn't know. She only knew the room's number. When the security told her name to us, we just, yeah maybe. When we found the room, we asked to a woman who sat near the patient, when my Mom asked if the patient's name Mrs. EK, the woman said that we got the wrong person. After that, we found out that Mrs. EK stayed on the left room. And Mrs. EK asked Mom who were you, my Mom said that she was Mr. D's wife. And my Mom asked me if I was ever taught by her when I was in the JHS. After looking at Mrs. EK face deeply, I realized that SHE IS MY TEACHER! She looked pale, that's why I didn't recognize her. She kept apologizing which made me feel really sad. Although, I didn't know her well when I was still a JHS student, I still feel sad and make me keep praying for her health. I remembered that I was mad at her when I was still young, because she didn't seem satisfied with the assignment I have made. But, when I see her laid on the bed, powerless, sad, hopeless, I felt like I've been hit by a really big regret. I regret that I have been mad at her. There, she said that she was accompanied by her son, but when I met her, her son wasn't there--he was eating somewhere. It must be sad to lay on a bed in a room by herself. She said that it was ok because there were some nurses in front of her room, but I believe that there is a sadness feeling in herself for being alone. Whatever the disease is, when you get sick, what can make you feel happy is to be accompanied by someone you love, someone who really cares to us. And I still hope to Allah swt. that my teacher can be cured and healthy soon so that she can teach her students again, Aamiin Ya Rabbal Aalaamiin... Semangat ya, Bu! (ง •̀_•́)ง  
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